| Melissa:
Hello?
Kaytea: Hey!
Melissa: Oh it¡¯s you! Hi! How are you doing?
Kaytea: Have you noticed anything strange going on this week?
Melissa: Like what?
Kaytea: I dunno, I think it¡¯s something with the stars. ¡®Cause, like,
everyone I know is acting all crazy this week. Like my friends Gerald
and Annie, who are the smoochiest lovey dovey couple you¡¯ve ever seen
have been grating on each other. And one of my straight friends is suddenly
dating a lesbian. I mean, she is the last person I ever thought who would
ever munch the carpet.
Melissa: Who?
Kaytea: You don¡¯t know her. But seriously there¡¯s something weird going
on.
Melissa: Maybe.
Kaytea: And then there¡¯s all this strange stuff that¡¯s been happening
to me. Like the other night this increadably hot punk rock boy, oh my
God, you¡¯ve never seen anyone so pretty in your life, he¡¯s got these
bright pink cheeks and blue eyes and he looks like he should be on the
packaging for cocoa or something, anyway he just appeared by my side the
other night at the bar. I didn¡¯t even know his name. And we ended up
talking for hours!
Kaytea: So do you like going fishing?
Dididah: Eye wvould not. Eye am a vehgan.
Kaytea: Oh yeah? I¡¯m a vegetarian. That¡¯s why when I go fishing I never
use a hook.
Dididah: Soo wvhat doo you dooo?
Kaytea: I just hang out in the boat and drink beer and throw the line
in the water whenever I feel like it.
Dididah: Eye do not liike of the fishing.
Kaytea: Oh. But it¡¯s so fun to drink beer in the sun!
And the weird part about it was he knew that I was an artist and made
robots and stuff!
Melissa: How did he know that?
Kaytea: Well he said some girl I didn¡¯t recognize told him so.
Melissa: Creepy.
Kaytea: Yeah, well I found out last night¡
Jenny: Your name is Kaytea, right?
Kaytea: How¡¯d you know that?
Jenny: Do you know this guy Song Yi? He¡¯s really nice.
Kaytea: Yeah I might know him.
Jenny: He said that you are a very talented artist. He said that you¡¯re
one of his best friends.
Kaytea: That¡¯s odd, I haven¡¯t talked to him for months.
Jenny: He said you make cartoons and machines.
Kaytea: I do. How do you know him?
Jenny: He let me stay in his house for the first month I was here because
I didn¡¯t have any money then. He gave me his bed.
Kaytea: How is he doing? I really haven¡¯t talked to him in a while.
Jenny: Yeah, me neither. We were really close when I first got here, you
know, while I was staying with him, but he¡¯s been so weird lately.
Kaytea: Yeah, every time I talk to him lately, he¡¯s made no sense.
Jenny: How did you meet him?
Kaytea: I dated him when I first got here, but after I told him I was
bisexual, he freaked out and wouldn¡¯t date me anymore. But he also wouldn¡¯t
tell me that he was doing it. Jenny: That¡¯s weird.
Kaytea: I know, it kinda sukked. Actually, if you stayed at his house
for a while, you might have seen some of my art.
Jenny: Oh, I know! There¡¯s a drawing of you on the TV on the left!
Kaytea: It¡¯s still there! I wasn¡¯t sure what he¡¯d done with it.
Melissa: That¡¯s bizarre!
Kaytea: I know, and here I am, trying to be all suave, super drunkie style,
and hit on the hot punk boy who obviously hates me, because he was completely
absorbed by the only other punk girl in town, this girl Ginger.
Melissa: That¡¯s a hooker name.
Kaytea: I know, and I was getting all upset and jealous mad at her, but
when I started to talk to her, she was really nice. It¡¯s not her fault
that the boy likes her.
Melissa: No, but probably you should kill her anyway.
Kaytea: Probably. Hey, can I ask you a question?
Melissa: Shoot.
Kaytea: Do you think I should pursue the girl from LA?
Melissa: The girl from LA?
Kaytea: The thing is, she¡¯s really LA, and you know how I feel about
LA. And plus her Chinese is ass.
Melissa: This doesn¡¯t sound good¡.
Kaytea: But she¡¯s really funny and she totally pushes all my buttons.
And she kinds looks a little like Chandra.
Melissa: Oh no, Petro. Not Chandra.
Kaytea: Not all the time, not straight on, but like her 54 degree angle
looks a bit like Chandra. Something with her facial bones.
Melissa: So she¡¯s from LA, and she looks like a girl you have obsessed
over for years, this doesn¡¯t sound good, Petro.
Kaytea: It¡¯s not an obsession. She¡¯s just a friend.
Melissa: (coughing)
Kaytea: Ok, ok, maybe I¡¯ve liked her for years, but it¡¯s not an obsession.
Anyway, do you think I should do the LA girl?
Melissa: Why the hesitation? Just go for the gold, man!
Kaytea: Well I¡¯m feeling more circumspect about everything lately. I
don¡¯t wanna be an idiot again and spend years giving love and affection
to another crack smoking republican!
Melissa: So you wanna date her for years?
Kaytea: No, it¡¯s not that, it¡¯s just that¡.I don¡¯t know.
(Beat)
Melissa: By the way, he really would love it if you gave him a call.
Kaytea: Really? Why? So he can make another attempt at ruining my life?
So he can break me down again? So he can call me high as fuck on whatever
begging me to come back while my dad is dying in the hospital?
Melissa: You¡¯re right, you have valid reasons not to want to talk to
him. But you know, he still really cares about you. But you don¡¯t have
to call him if you don¡¯t want to.
Kaytea: Fuck him. He had his chance. And he blew it. And now he¡¯s stuck
with that school teacher who never smiles. Hey, are they still together?
Melissa: Forget I mentioned it.
Kaytea: No really, are they?
Melissa: (sighs) Yes, they are. They are living together in San Jose somewhere.
Kaytea: Have you seen him lately?
Melissa: Yeah, he was looking pretty good. Really healthy.
Kaytea: Well that¡¯s nice, I guess. You know I won¡¯t ever regret making
him become friends with her again.
Melissa: Why?
Kaytea: Well, I¡¯d rather be free and happy, than married to his dumb
ass and have to listen to him whine about how much he misses his high
school girlfriend and how he totally regrets turning into a crack smoking
psycho at the end of their relationship.
Melissa: Right. Being free is good. So you¡¯re not going to hit it with
the chick from LA?
Kaytea: I dunno. I don¡¯t really know how to close the deal. And besides,
she can¡¯t spell. Every time she sends me a text message, there¡¯s all
sorts of spelling mistakes.
Melissa: Petro, it sounds like your just hating her for no reason.
Kaytea: Maybe, I dunno. So what¡¯s up with you? The stars fucking with
you?
Melissa: No. They were a few weeks ago, but Mr. Man and I seem to have
worked things out.
Kaytea: Wait, you have a boyfriend? And you haven¡¯t told me yet? How
long has this been going on?
Melissa: I thought I told you.
Kaytea: You told me nothing! Nothing! Who is he? How did you meet?
Melissa: He¡¯s a friend of Sean¡¯s.
Kaytea: Is he insane like the rest of those Miami kids?
Melissa: He¡¯s not from Miami. He¡¯s pretty cool.
Kaytea: Yeah?
Melissa: But he¡¯s not my boyfriend. He¡¯s just a friend.
Kaytea: How are the sexies?
Melissa: Oh my God, Petro, he¡¯s perfect for me! He does these really
intense things with his hands, and he doesn¡¯t mind being thrown around.
It¡¯s so FUCKING hot!
Kaytea: Awsome!
Melissa: Sometimes I just wanna tear into him and rip his flesh off!
Kaytea: Wow. That¡¯s pretty good.
Melissa: Oh God, Petro, he¡¯s so hot!
Kaytea: Sounds like it. But he¡¯s not your boyfriend, just your fuck buddy?
Melissa: It¡¯s complicated. He doesn¡¯t want a girlfriend right now.
Kaytea: What about you? Sounds like you¡¯re in love.
Melissa: I don¡¯t know, Petro. I don¡¯t know. He¡¯s pretty good.
Kaytea: When are you going to actually start dating people you are in
love with?
Melissa: One of these days. (beat) So I¡¯m recording an album. And one
of the songs is going to be in this new movie that¡¯s coming out.
Kaytea: No way! Really?
Melissa: Yeah, after my last show, this woman came up to me and said that
she wants one of my songs for her movie.
Kaytea: Which one?
Melissa: You don¡¯t know it. I just wrote it.
Kaytea: So who¡¯s recording your album? Bergen? Jim?
Melissa: This other guy that I also met while I was doing those shows.
Kaytea: That¡¯s so exciting! Immagine you, doctor of Traditional Chinese
Medicine by day, and famous folk singer by night. That¡¯s so hot.
Melissa: Yeah, I don¡¯t know which is better. Probably just keep doing
both. But you¡¯re so right by the way.
Kaytea: About what?
Melissa: The Singer-songwriter thing. Most of them suck! I¡¯ve gone to
a lot of shows to be supportive of other people I¡¯ve met, and often it¡¯s
so awful, that I want to pull the guitaur out of their hands and smash
it over their little heads.
Kaytea: That doesn¡¯t sound very mellow hippy to me. What¡¯s gotten in
to you?
Melissa: Dunno, Petro. Guess I¡¯m just not as patient as I used to be.
Kaytea: I¡¯d say! Damn! You¡¯re threatening violence on pathetic little
singer-songwriters who never hurt you.
Melissa: Oh they hurt me. The way they sing hurts.
Kaytea: Well, there¡¯s that.
Melissa: I went out to see your parents the other day. Your dad was looking
really good.
Kaytea: Did he have hair?
Melissa: Yeah, and your mom had styled it into a faux hawk, he¡¯s doing
really good. He was going on and on about the Bush administration and
Iraq and all that.
Kaytea: Then it sounds like he got some of his energy back.
Melissa: I guess this new thing they got him on is really working for
him.
Kaytea: That¡¯s cool. How¡¯s my mom?
Melissa: Still a little anxious. It¡¯s normal, though.
Kaytea: Yeah, he¡¯s her everything. If this stuff doesn¡¯t work, I don¡¯t
know what my sister and I are going to do with her. (beat) How¡¯s your
mom? Is she still dating that Playboy photographer who raises chickens
in his basement?
Melissa: No, thank God. Actually it might be worse. She¡¯s dating her
dance instructor. And he¡¯s like two years older than me. He¡¯s not even
as old as Allie.
Kaytea: What kind of dance? Is he gay?
Melissa: No, worse than that. He teaches my mom and all her old lady friends
how to dance. We had to spend Christmas Eve with him and his mom. So we
all went back to my mom¡¯s house after Midnight Mass¡..
(Melissa¡¯s mom and young Long Island stud with the Deigo Swoosh are necking
on one end of the sofa, Melissa is perched on the other edge pinned in
by Romeo¡¯s mom. Allie is wandering around and swearing softly and cleaning
things in her nice Christmas clothes).
Romeo¡¯s Mom: What did you say you were studying again, honey?
Melissa: Tradiditonal Chinese Medicine.
Romeo¡¯s Mom: Is that like hewbs and things? You know I don¡¯t really
believe in all that stuff.
Melissa: (spreading her hands, face up) Well, lots of people don¡¯t believe
in it, but they¡¯ve been using it with success for thousands of years
in China.
Romeo¡¯s Mom: Yeah, but those Ori-entals are so di-fferent than us. It¡¯s
no wonder it works on them.
Melissa: Uh. Actually it can be used to cure all sorts of problems that
Western Medicine can¡¯t solve. Like Asthma. Asthma can be controlled quite
successfully with acupuncture.
Romeo¡¯s Mom: Is that the thing with the needles? Oh honey, most people
would never do that to themselves. You know that right? But it¡¯s ok.
Melissa: Hmmm?
Romeo¡¯s Mom: You look smaaart anyway.
Melissa: What?
Romeo¡¯s Mom: You know, with those glasses you wearh. You look so smaaart.
Melissa: Thank you. (Picks up her glass.) Excuse me, I¡¯m going to go
and refill this in the kitchen.
Romeo¡¯s Mom: Sure honey, I¡¯ll let you out. (She hefts herself off the
sofa, Melissa gets out, and she lowers herself back onto the sofa) Alice,
that daughtah of yours is so smaaart. She sure must be a chip off the
old block.
Kaytea: That¡¯s redicoulous!! And so Long Island!
Melissa: No wait. It gets worse.
Kaytea: Only because you look so smaaart.
Melissa: So I was in the kitchen, trying to avoid Boy Toy¡¯s Mom and he
comes into the kitchen¡.
Romeo: Hi Melissa. How you doin¡¯?
Melissa: I¡¯m fine.
Romeo: You know that motha of yours, she¡¯s really somtin¡¯ else.
Melissa: Yeah?
Romeo: She¡¯s like a Corvette runnin¡¯ on high all da time. You know?
Melissa: That¡¯s nice. Were you looking for a little more Bailey¡¯s?
Romeo: So whaddya tink of my outfit? It¡¯s pretty happenin¡¯!
Melissa: It¡¯s very shiny.
Romeo: That¡¯s right! It is shiny! You know, it¡¯s from Express. You know
Express? They have it all the mwall. It¡¯s like the Gap only niceah. Real
classy place, Express.
Melissa: Yeah, that¡¯s great. I¡¯m glad you like it.
Romeo: I would be wearin¡¯ the Christmas present your motha gave me instead,
but I don¡¯t know if it¡¯s appropriate for chuych. Ha ha! Get it?
Melissa: You know, I think I¡¯m going back into the living room. (She
starts out the door)
Romeo: You know ¡®Lissa? You look so smaaart with dose glasses you got
on.
Melissa: Oh my God Petro! They were so awful!
Kaytea: Dude. Your mom has it going on. I hope that when I am her age,
some young buck says that I¡¯m like a ¡°Corvette running on high¡± all
the time.
Melissa: Yeah, but Kaytea, they were disgusting.
Kaytea: ¡®Lissa, no one is ever going to be as good as your dad was. And
besides, the fact that your mom is hanging out and dating and having fun
is really good. I mean she¡¯s like the feminist ideal.
Melissa: I don¡¯t think anybody but you would call my mom is the feminist
ideal.
Kaytea: Oh com¡¯on she ¡°like a feminist, but dif-fer-ent¡±.
Melissa: Yeah. He actually got worse after that.
Romeo: So Alice, Melissa was just dtelling me in da kitchen that she likes
my new outfit. She dinks it¡¯s very shiny. Isn¡¯t dat right, Mel?
Melissa: Very shiny. (In her head thinking¡The only way to deal with
this situation is to drink more.)
Romeo: Yeah, well. Many people tink I¡¯m gay, but I¡¯m not. (beat) Many
people say I¡¯m flamboyant, (beat) and I yam. (Melissa spits her drink
back into her glass and starts coughing). It¡¯s good da be flam-boyant.
Doncha tink so, Alice?
Alice: Oh yeah. ( They start necking again).
Kaytea: That¡¯s fucking funny!
Melissa: You wouldn¡¯t be laughing if it was your mom.
Kaytea: But it¡¯s not my mom, so it¡¯s redicoulous.
Melissa: You would be horrified if it was your mom.
Kaytea: How did Allie take it?
Melissa: She was crazy too. She made us all spend Christmas Day cleaning
the house instead of doing anything Christmassy.
Kaytea: What¡¯s wrong with her?
Melissa: I dunno. Hey, did you know she¡¯s getting married? So she¡¯s
making me grow my hair so I can be in her wedding!
Kaytea: That¡¯s lame. Where did she find the guy?
Melissa: She met him in college. The worst part is she only has like three
friends that I know of, so why is she even having a wedding?
Kaytea: Maybe it¡¯ll be small and intimate.
Melissa: No, she¡¯s having an army. And I have to be a bridesmaid. But
not the Maid of Honor.
Kaytea: Who¡¯s that, Doris the Fakeasaurous?
Melissa: How¡¯d you know?
Kaytea: Just a guess. Isn¡¯t that exciting? First your brother, and now
your sister are married, so you¡¯re off the hook for now. I just wish
my sister would get hitched and start spawning out the babies so my mom
would get off my back.
Melissa: I saw your sister the other day.
Kaytea: Really? How¡¯s she doing?
Melissa: Really good. She looked really happy. But she said her work was
making her tired lately.
Kaytea: Maybe I should call her. It¡¯s just every time I call her, she
doesn¡¯t seem that excited to talk to me. And she never calls me back.
It¡¯s almost like she¡¯s decided not to love me because I decided to move
back to China.
Melissa: Well, you know she really misses you. She talks about you every
time I see her. Sean misses you too. But he¡¯s been sorta missing in action
since he moved in with Annake.
Kaytea: Give them the six months. That¡¯s about how long it takes the
couples to get their shit together.
Melissa: Yeah, but it¡¯s almost been that long, and they¡¯re still holed
up in their house all the time.
Kaytea: Well, give them time. (The other phone starts to ring, Kaytea
looks at it.) Hey Liss? I gotta go, my other phone is ringing. It¡¯s that
LA girl.
Melissa: Go, Petro, go. Go get ¡®em tiger.
Kaytea: Bye.
Melissa: Bye.
Kaytea: (Hangs up one phone, answers the other on the opposite ear) Hello¡¡
THE END
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